When our loved ones struggling with mental illness tell us that they will not tell the therapist how they are feeling, that they will try to deal with it on it alone or refuse to continue with the coping skills and strategies that have made a difference in their healing, it can cut family members to the core–creating fear and worry. It can be so difficult for family members to hear that the resources we have provided, the schedules we have arranged and rearranged, and services we have paid money for, are not going to be used. Sometimes there is this strange phenomenon with mental illness–the very things that will help our loved ones are the things that they want to avoid! How can we help if we will not be allowed in to help?
Mental illness is a tricky business, one that can frustrate and discourage the family. If a person has diabetes, generally speaking, they will take their insulin. It is unheard of that he/she gets up one day and says, “I can handle this diabetes on my own, I don’t need to check my blood or take insulin. I’m fine now.” But all too often with mental illness this is the reality. Once things are going well again, the strategies and skills that helped the person get to that point are also the very things they want discard. From the family’s perspective, this is both heartbreaking and difficult to understand. The outsider’s view says, “Keep doing what you were doing and you will keep getting these great results!” But in the mentally ill mind, they often don’t want the help and don’t see the need for help.
It can be one of the greatest quandaries for families dealing with mental illness in the home. Questions circle in the mind: “Should we continue on medication? Stop medication? Continue therapy? Stop therapy? Start going to peer groups and support groups? Is it the gut and his/her diet? And what about exercise?” The list goes and on and on and can be so frustrating and discouraging!
One thing that has helped in our home is to wait. Silence is sometimes the best option when confronted with a loved one that is expressing that they are “fine” and don’t need any more help. By simply listening and waiting, a better time to talk often presents itself. Look for and wait for that opening when your loved one is better able to discuss the situation. Sometimes they won’t even remember the conversation about stopping the coping strategies and skills, and other times, the conversation will take a very different and more positive turn. By not making it into a huge issue, it can be revisited more easily and peacefully.
