Sometimes the diagnosis of mental illness in the home is a signal for the family to slow down and pay attention to what is going on. We can get sidetracked with all of our activities, work, school, appointments, hobbies, sports, etc. and forget to check in with the family and carve out time to be intentionally present, to sit and listen deeply. Even technology can be distracting—when a family member would have shared more about their feelings or difficulties, but because our faces are stuck in our phones or iPads, he or she does not share. Slowing down does not even have to mean cutting out activities or saying no to things, although it might. You can live in a slowed down state even in the midst of a busy day.
The key is the intention to pay attention.
We can listen deeply and seek to truly understand. We can look around and notice the beautiful weather or the nice furnishings or the people around, even when busy. There can be a million things to do in a day, but we can still move through that day in peace and in stillness because those are internal ways of being and have nothing to do with the circumstances of life. We know that the stress response is personal, meaning that what might be stressful to some is not at all stressful to others. So decide to be the person that is content in all circumstances. Slowing down is mental, not physical.
Not to discount that it may be time to spend some time pondering—are there activities that need to be cut? Obligations that no longer seem like a good use of time? People that need to hear the word no? A mental health issue in the home can be the perfect excuse for getting out of these extras.
However, remember that no is a complete sentence.
When someone asks if you can help at the school or if you could bake for the bake sale, you can simply say no. You don’t need a bunch of fancy excuses when the answer is simply, no. Especially if people have an inkling of that you are dealing with a mental illness crisis or difficulty, they should respect your no. But even if they don’t respect the fact that you have said no, it is important for you to respect yourself enough to say no and mean it. The last thing you need when you are dealing with all the facets of mental illness in the home is more outside obligations. Anything at all that can be cut, should be.
However, we also have to accept that every cause of stress cannot be discarded. More than likely, you will still have to work, clean the house, run children to activities and help with schoolwork, do volunteer or service work, etc. There will always be things that cannot be cut or that you don’t want to cut. Some people even have to work more than one job to make ends meet or keep insurance coverage. The key is to focus on what we can control, and that is our reaction to the busy-ness around us. We can fall headlong into the feeling of overwhelm or say that we are “stressed out” or we can decide that we will have peace in the midst of the chaos. Life is only stressful if we buy into that voice in our head that is telling us that it is stressful. There are certain things we can do that will help us feel more and more at peace during the day:
- Get up early, carve out time to pray, meditate, and be quiet (I call this Quiet Time).
- Get some exercise—walk in nature to center yourself if that is an option, but even if it’s 10 minutes on a treadmill, it’s better than none.
- Decide that you are not going to listen to that chatterer in your head and tune into the real you deep inside, the one that is always calm and peaceful.
- Cut out anything that can be cut. While you are going through mental illness struggles in the home, you need to be able to focus on what’s important.
- Stop and listen without reacting to the dialogue. Just listen to your loved one with mental illness and try to keep your emotions out of it. What are they really saying? Don’t take anything personally–it’s not about you, it’s mental illness.
- Be kind to yourself. There may be many pressures and people saying and doing ugly things as you sift through the process of care giving. You will need to be good to yourself even if no one else is.
When we make an intention to be quiet in the storm, to be peaceful in the chaos, we start to see life open up. Slowing down is essential—working with mental illness in the home is hard work and care givers need to be fresh and rested each day. Some days will be wonderful, and some days will be horrible, it’s just part of mental illness. Care givers must have the energy to endure because working with mental illness is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow down, breathe deeply, you got this!
