When a loved one in the home or a good friend has mental illness, it is very hard on all those around. It can be frustrating, scary, worrisome, or any number of feelings. The most important thing to remember as you are flailing about in the storm that mental illness brings, is that
Our Feelings Are Our Servants.
Going through mental illness issues is precisely the time when we, as Caregivers, need to be our calmest most centered selves. But it can seem impossible with what we are having to deal with on the home front. So what does it mean to have our feelings serve us instead of the other way around?
- Feel and Release: Acknowledge the feeling, stop in Quiet Time and really feel it deeply. Allow the feeling to be there and acknowledge that this feeling is actually trying to help you. Feelings are a message from the body. They are there as a result of what you’ve been thinking. Feel whatever you are feeling deeply, allowing the feeling to bloom in your body and mind, noticing where it is and how it really feels. Then let it go. Watch the feeling disappear in your mind. Imagine a pen in your mind, the dropping of a pen, just like the dropping of the feeling. You drop it and it’s gone. Or imagine a hot air balloon with the feeling inside it and watch it disappear on the horizon. You may have to feel and release your feelings many times before feeling the relief of the feelings disappear. Continue to do this feeling and releasing until there is no more pain there, no more resistance.
- Talk back: Feelings are fleeting and change rapidly. You can probably remember many times when you were so mad about something and then, having heard a different side to it, were so grateful or happy immediately. Feelings are fickle and we must learn to talk back to feelings and know that your Will is in control, not your feelings. Living by feelings is a dangerous and rocky existence because feelings change like the wind. Decide that you are going to be a calm and centered Caregiver so that you can help your loved one as much as needed. Decide it, believe it, and boss those feelings around. Just because you feel something does not mean that you have to act upon it. You can act upon your Will, your decision to be calm and centered. In order to talk back to your feelings though, you have to have something ready in your mind. My go-to retort when my feelings start to get jumbled and fear, worry, or anxiety creep in is, “God perfects that which concerns me,” from the Psalms. Have a verse ready for when feelings decide to shift or change and say it often.
- Be in charge of Reactions: While we cannot change the shifting sands of our fickle feelings, we are certainly able to be in charge of our reaction to those feelings. Some people choose to fly off the handle at the slightest change in their mood. Others rarely get upset by feelings. Both people have feelings, but have decided to react to them differently. It can be frustrating when we act on our feelings and are later embarrassed about how we reacted. The best thing to do when presented with a feeling like anger, frustration, or fear/worry/anxiety is to stop and do nothing. It will feel like you must deal with the issue at hand immediately—it will feel important and urgent. But if you can wait, journal, pray, and sometimes even sleep on it, the reaction you present to the world will be one that you can own. It is not to say that issues shouldn’t be handled or that they should be ignored, but a little time can create a huge shift in your reaction.
By remembering that feelings are our servants,
life can lose the drama and chaos that shifting feelings can create.
As caregivers, we must be in charge of our reactions or every time our loved one with mental illness has a rough patch, we will also be going through a rough patch. In my book, The Path to Joy: 29 Family Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness and finding JOY again, https://rb.gy/7ur5lm Chapter 18 talks about not “riding the train” of emotions with our loved one. This chapter can be especially helpful if you are struggling in this area.
Remember: Feelings Are Our Servants. Write it down, say it aloud each day, and slowly, your will can win out every time.
