One evening I was letting my son drive me around, as he was working on his driver’s license permit and needed hours, and I noticed that he kept making comments about me or about whatever else, and that they were not positive or uplifting. So after about the fifth one, I said, “Ok, that’s the 5th one—now you owe me 5 positive comments.” He laughed. I said, “No, start now. Say something nice now.” And surprisingly, he started. While it was not an amazing compliment (“I like your shoes”), I will take it. We then continued in that fashion until we got home and it turned what could have been a negative drive, where I couldn’t wait to get out of the car, to a pleasant and laughing good time.
Always looking for the good or the positive in a situation is a necessity for Caregivers.
People with mental illness tend to go up and down and around and around with emotions, so having a plan, or a joke, or something ready when things get sticky is important. It also helps soften the blow of the mean or rude things that may be said or done when we can turn it to the positive. Caregivers can stop and give space to the situation, realizing that it is not the loved one with mental illness, but the mental illness itself that is creating the situation. Taking the emotions out of the situation helps and realizing that our loved ones do not want to feel the way they do or say the things they say.
Acknowledging that we, as Caregivers, must be calm and balanced, able to defer situations and help our loved one, reminds us to take impeccable care of ourselves. We will not be able to say something funny, change an issue into a game, or stay calm unless we are indeed feeling that way. Eating healthy food, drinking plenty of water, getting at least six or seven hours of sleep, taking Quiet Time to pray and mediate, and having morning and evening routines that support our organization and peace are so important. We need to have a favorite Scripture ready to say silently (see the Resources in my book, The Path to Joy: 29 Family Strategies for Coping with Mental Illness and finding JOY again for Scripture verse ideas, https://rb.gy/7ur5lm). We cannot give if we do not have anything to give.
There are a few things that are notorious for causing problems–we have to avoid feeling H.A.L.T:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
These four words are the enemy of Caregivers. They stop us from being the calm, centered person our loved one with mental illness needs. When we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired we will struggle to stay centered and able to support our loved one with mental illness. Checking that we are not feeling H.A.L.T before we respond to a situation can make all the difference. Have a snack, take a quick 20 minute nap, or go for a walk outside in the sunshine to reset.
So the next time you, dear Caregiver, are struggling with the way a situation is going, try using The Positive Game, lightening the mood with a joke, or any other thing you can think of when things start to go south with your loved one. Stay healthy and centered, knowing that we are the most important supports that our loved one with mental illness has and that our reaction does make the difference!
