Bump in the Night—There is something strange that happens in homes where a suicide has been attempted. Suddenly, every sound and every bump or noise causes alarm. Additionally, silence when you are looking for someone creates the same feeling of alarm. You can only understand this kind of heightened emotion if you have been through it. Any time my son cannot be found or does not answer when called it creates:
A stop of the heart.
Breath sharply taken.
Shaking hands.
Will it ever NOT be like this? Will it always feel as though we are on the edge, keeping someone from falling into a deep pit? While the fear seems to be lessening and fading in our home many months away from the attempt, there are still those moments when it seems as if all may be lost again.
The Bump in the Night is so unsettling–creating a dash to the bedroom, panting breath, and wildly throwing open the door. When all is well and he’s sleeping peacefully, such relief sweeps over me, but the shaking hands continue even when I’m back in my bed.
Recently I could not find him and he would not answer his bedroom door. I found that I could not make myself open the door. I had such fear—what would I see? So irrational, given the current state of mood for him, but still a real and palpable fear rages up every time.
Psychologists call this hyper-vigilance, and it hurts both parties—the family member going through it and the family member struggling with mental illness.
The cure? Stop doing it. Yes, it seems too simple, but in the end, we have to trust and move on, allowing our loved one to have freedom and live life to the fullest. I wore a rubber band around my wrist for many weeks. The purpose was to snap myself when I was starting to follow him, stand outside his door, or check on him too much. The hyper-vigilance will fade over time once you make the decision to stop. Peace and room to grow are needed in order for our loved ones to recover and heal fully from mental illness and hyper-vigilance only makes them question themselves and impede their healing journey. Stop doing it, even when you hear that Bump in the Night.
